Late night prayer- 7/31/11

I feel so free; the pressure to change the world and tap into all my potential is gone. Obviously if God chooses to use me for the multitudes or push me to my full potential that’s fine, but it no longer requires my effort, but His. He is the motor of my pace. He is the one that guides and directs my steps while I am just a mere sheep following my Shepherd’s voice. I no longer feel the need to set myself up for world changing ministry; if that’s God’s will then it will happen but that is no longer my ambition. I’m ready for long term investments and discipleship. I’m ready to walk in the value of community and to truly live life with people. Praise God that his scripture is a constant reminder of where my heart and attitude need to be. The word is explicitly clear about the sovereignty of the Lord and our condition as human beings. Being reminded through the word of my state of dependency and where my effort, focus, and heart need to be is an anchor for my soul. I feel that God is allowing my roots to grow deep within me. I feel secure, yet reliant on him. I no longer feel tossed back and forth by the fickleness of human approval, but rather, I feel secure in knowing who the Lord is, how he sees me, and where he wants me to go.

I’m so blessed to be at Hillsong right now, and to be in a place where I get bombarded with the spirit and life-giving people day in and day out. My prayer is that I would walk out of this place fully healed by my wounds and scars of the past, and that God would restore me (“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast” -1 peter 5:10) My heart is literally bursting right now at just the thought of it! Like I said in my first post, I’m ready to encounter the living God who’s ANXIOUS to reveal more about who He is and His plan for me—and that is what I’m experiencing! Over the past few days God has begun to stretch my imagination. He’s challenged my previous perceptions of who he is and the extent of his power and has exposed how weak and pathetic those perceptions are. It’s like watching a balloon blow up real fast; God has literally expanded past all my preconceived notions and has once again showed me why He is LORD. He is so big, so powerful, so wonderful- that he rightly demands praise. His rightly demands adoration; you know why? Because he is worthy.

Oh, he is oh so worthy! He’s the hero! He has overcome and from Him, we find the source of life. He’s the hero of all the nations, to everyone who has looked into the sky and marveled at its beauty. And he’s so beautiful!

Tonight I felt the heart of the Lord pumping vigorously throughout me, his unending love trying to burst out. I was completely overwhelmed. Wow. You love us. You rreeealllllyyy love us. Gosh you love us more than we could ever know. Your heart is so deep, so big, so wide, that the human condition can’t even put you on the map. You’re the ultimate counter-culture because your love completely counteracts the world’s definition of love and radicalizes every inch of me. You’re calling me on an adventure and I’m ready to go. Your voice seduces me. Father you are so lovely. I am in so much awe.

Thank you that you lead me in triumphal procession because you have given me VICTORY in Jesus Christ. Teach me how to walk in the fullness of you, because you are my ever present teacher. Guide my steps, direct me thoughts, filter my words so at the end of the day, you can be pleased with my heart. I have never known love like this, thank you that you are the ultimate wow factor. I’m sorry for all the ways we distort and perverse the gospel. How we’ve neglected and abused all that is yours; how we’ve tainted the love that is given freely to your creation who you love so very deeply. Teach us how to remedy this situation so that you can receive the praise that is rightfully yours. The Lord is good; my heart rejoices in that. YOU are my ultimate safety net; my shield and my protector. I take refuge in your shadow, comfort in your love. Thank you that you go beyond all my intellect and that you shun out darkness. Shine out the darkness in me. I want to stay connected to my vine. I want life and power to roll through my veins so I can be closer to the heart of my King. Be my center.

“From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center, it’s all about you, it’s all about you”

Everyday Heroes-7/27/11

I don’t feel a need to change the world, but rather, to change the lives of 12 who can then go on to change the lives of others. I’m passionate about the local community, for long term investments not short ones. I want to see transformed lives, not impacted, influenced or inspired ones. I want to see people radically and passionately fall in love with Jesus so that their lives are forever changed! I want to see high schoolers rise up in their schools and be leaders. I want to empower people to walk in the fullness of the Lord. I want to be able to stay close to the heart of the gospel and reach the broken and lost without using christianese and other church verbage. I want to take people on exciting adventures via roadtrips, camps, sleepovers etc…

You don’t have to be halfway across the world or be a nationally recognized speaker/artist/musician to be doing radical things for the Lord. We need everyday heroes. We need suburban heroes; People in the midst of temptation and comfort who radically chose to follow Christ with everything. The gospel is simple, and yet we find so many ways to complicate things. God has NEVER needed our glory, effort, or ideas. He’s the one who manifests his glory in us and we are just merely tools. The goal of the gospel is that we get God! He is our reward!--because he is enough! Walking in his strength and near his heart is more beautiful than the best talk I could have given to a stadium full of thousands of people. Being used by him to transform ONE person is more beautiful than inspiring thousands. Being able to walk humbly in the Lord focused on his voice is more beautiful than over-exerting myself trying to do so much for the kingdom when really all God wants is my heart. He wants me, all of me; and in that he chooses to use me for his glory.

This past year has been remarkable; I’ve seen more fruit come out of my work than ever before and yet, with less effort on my part. I’m starting to feel the Younglife may be my calling. Not only would it allow me to exercise all of my giftings, but I’d also be able to follow my passions. One of the biggest mission fields there is, is the typical high school. Hundreds of broken kids fill those halls everyday looking for someone to care and for someone to know them. For many, the decisions these kids make during this season of life, will dramatically offer the person they will become. This age group needs Jesus.

Nuggets of Wisdom- 7/27/11

First day of class was awesome. We covered A LOT of information in a short time. Here’s a list of ten statements/quotes that I found very beneficial:

1.       “Some of the things that will bother you the most about people are not people’s behavior but rather, you’re expectations of them” –WOW! This quote really hit home, even though I didn’t come into Hillsong with a lot of expectations, I had been a bit disappointed with some of the people that I had met. I didn’t realize that I had extremely high expectations for myself and the other students at school until I heard this quote; and dang it’s so true! The people’s specific behavior wasn’t the thing that bothered me; it was that their behavior shattered my high expectations of them. I think it’s important to keep this quote in the back of my mind at all times because people will ALWAYS fail you! No one is perfect and we’re all flawed. It’s important to keep my expectations of others in check because it will safeguard my own heart as well as my perceptions of other people.

2.     “It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit”—I love this. Whether or not we realize it, our struggle for entitlement affects us more than we think. We LOVE to be recognized for the things we do and often feel threatened when people emerge with greater gifts or talents than us. Learning how to submit this need for recognition to the Lord will not only allow us to walk more humbly with God, but will also allow us to recognize and appreciate the body working together as a whole—regardless if we can ANY credit—because all credit goes to the Lord. God doesn’t need our glory; he manifests his glory in us. Period

3.     “God given ability may be out of our control but our ability to work as a team is not”-Everyday we have the CHOICE to be an effective team member or not; we have the privilege to show up and create teamwork. Are you going to choose to bring your gifts/talents to the table and challenge others to bring theirs?

4.     “An effective team has the ability to discover, accept, and champion each other’s differences”-Vulnerability, honesty, authenticity and trust are vital components of a team. Learning to thrive off of each other’s differences is critical for the longevity of your team.

5.     “It’s better to be sent, then went”-Often we have a “do-it-yourself mentality” that promotes individualism rather than the team. There is rich fruit however, waiting for people who serve under authority.

6.     “We compare ourselves because we don’t take the time to be in Christ so we don’t feel the need to be seen”

7.     “Leadership never graduates from servant hood—only reason we get promoted to higher levels of leadership is because you’re serving more people”

8.     “Our struggle with criticizing ourselves and others demonstrates a lack of understanding in grace; we HAVE to learn how to show grace and not judgment”

9.     “What will your disciples be doing in 200 years”-I love that Hillsong not only challenges what our legacy will be while we are alive, but also, what will be the fruit of our ministry even after we’re dead. Honestly, I had never even imagined that. I had never imagined dreaming THAT big; yay for my imagination and heart getting stretched.

10.                        “People always change the most when THEY have a personal revelation” THEY have to be the one that owns it”-the importance of self-discovery is vital. While it may be easier to “teach” somebody the right answer, ownership and personal revelation produce deeper roots in an individual.

My first day of class! -7/26/11

                Yes! Today is finally here! I’ve been waiting for this moment for what feels like an eternity! Today- is the first day of class. I’m soooo excited to be back in the classroom listening to lectures, writing papers, starting dialogues, and engaging in learning! I can’t wait to meet my professors and glean from their wisdom. I’ve already begun to pray for them and that with their guidance, the Lord will use them to pour truth into me that will not only be beneficial, but will also equip me for my future.

Up until this point there hasn’t been much going on except random apartment parties and people hanging out, which is great and all, but I kind of feel unsocial right now because I don’t really care to do those things haha. I don’t know if it’s because I lived in McKinney this past year and dabbled in the “the real world,” or because I’m just getting older, but I don’t feel particularly interested in getting caught up in everything social because it seems very “college-y.”  I’m ready to begin my career; I’m ready to start my life. I’m ready to become an adult and make mature responsible decisions that affect where I’m going and what I’m doing. Because of this mindset, I’m about to approach school with an extreme tenacity. I want to soak everything up! I want to take advantage of every opportunity, every wise counsel, and every nugget of wisdom so that I can walk out of here with no regrets. Obviously over time I’ll become more concerned with the social aspects of school, but right now I’m focused and ready to take in all that Hillsong has to offer in a serious fashion.

Wise quote a professor told me in conversation: “Wisdom is not taught, it’s gleaned”

Reaction to my first Hillsong Church Service- 7/25/11

At the start of orientation, a statement was said that really stuck with me; Church shouldn’t be endured, it should be enjoyed. Wow! How often in my life has church been something that I endured rather than enjoyed? Yes even in those moments when I had ‘endured’ church there have been moments of enjoyment, but if I’m being honest with myself, there’s been few times where church has been something I looked forward to with the same anticipation, joy, and excitement like I have had with a sporting event, movie, or concert. Is church enjoyable? Yes, but Hillsong takes it to another level! They want you to ENJOY church like you would enjoy any other beautiful thing in your life. Why? Because church is meant to be enjoyable! It’s meant to be life-giving; the source of creativity, wisdom, counsel, love, joy and peace. It’s supposed to be a place of safety and healing, where we can come together as a body and bear each other’s burdens. While church often aims to be these things, I’ve seen few too many examples of what church is NOT supposed to be than what it actually is supposed to be. The fruit of this failure manifests itself in apathetic church attendance and involvement, cynical attitudes towards the church, and distorted perceptions of what the body is supposed to look like. Praise God for Hillsong!

From the moment you walk into the doors, the church embodies life. You truly feel the breathe of God breathe on you as hundreds of people passionately press into the creator of the universe with full assurance of faith. They’re believing in his truth and in the reality of his power. Hillsong does an excellent job of creating an atmosphere of life on all cylinders; arts, media, worship, prayer, teaching, service, kids, community etc… It is by THIS atmosphere and culture that Hillsong defines itself, I can’t wait to bring this mindset home.

Here’s a choppy observation I typed up after church while sitting in the parking lot. Hope it gives you an idea of what was happening around me:

Simple, authentic, real. After church hangouts in the garage of the building heated by lamp heats. Food, fellowship, fun. Relationships, community; souls engaging. LIFE-GIVING! Seeing the body working in the way in which it was designed; people caring and serving one another.  The culture is empowering; want to walk in the fullness of the Lord. Want to be leaders and world changers! - Brings out your best. God is attractive, not an incentive or fear tactic. Not even a sales pitch, he’s glorious in his raw form which is what Hillsong does, they provide a stage for the King of Kings to be alive. Fragrances of self-denial and humility are everywhere; this truly is a place where people want to serve the Lord and desire to be near him.

Random moment of the day: I got to go see downtown Sydney today and the opera house, it was sick!

My heart hurts for my YL girls.... 7/24/11

My heart hurts so bad, I miss my YL girls soooo much-to a ridiculous amount! I didn’t think it’d be this hard to leave them; I thought the excitement of a new city and new people would keep my mind distracted, but it hasn’t. If anything, I’m second guessing why I came here since I had SUCH a good thing going back home. I have to continually submit these thoughts to the Lord because I know I’m here for a reason and being here is part of his plan, but that still doesn’t mean I don’t feel differently sometimes. It doesn’t help that some people randomly questioned why I was going here; their face and reaction always plays in the back of my mind. I just have to trust God right now that this is where he wants me and good things are ahead for me.

My heart still is heavy though because I truly do miss my girls. I miss their hearts, I miss hanging out with them and pouring truth into them, I miss yelling at them and beating them up; overall I just miss them, period. I hate that I’ve left them for their senior year; I time when they begin to develop a foundation for who they are going to be in the future. I’m hoping I’ll be able to come home for Christmas so I can pour into them as much as possible! Until then, I need to find a balance of missing them but also being fully present at Hillsong. I don’t want to miss out on the unbelievable things that await me here. I hope my girls know how much I truly care about them and how broken my heart is that I’m not with them. I’m praying for them continually and I pray that we continue to stay in touch.

Random moment: I feel asleep with gum in my mouth last night only to have it get in my hair. Disgusting I know. What makes it worse was that it wasn’t like normal gum, nooooo; it was the kind of gum you get after you finish a blow part which turns rock hard after about 30 min. Yep, THAT gum was stuck in my hair. To top it all off, my apartment doesn’t have heating yet which means that rock hard gum was literally frozen into my hair…..awesome. haha, but no worries, with a little bit of peanut butter and a hot shower everything “worked it’s way out.” (no pun intended….well maybe J)

Day 2: Enrollment 7/23/11

The first two days of being in Sydney were kind of rough. From the moment I got off the airplane it’s been raining cats and dogs, not to mention that it’s winter here which makes it super gross because no one likes to be wet AND cold. On top of that I’m super jet lagged and want to fall asleep at the most random moments of the day. My eating schedule is off and I’m very hormonal because I was lucky enough to start my girl time of the month the same day I landed here, holla. Yesterday we finished orientation and we got to have chapel in the morning. Chapel was awesome! The principle of the college is a fierce woman named Katrina who’s super sarcastic and yet so wise. She spoke out of 2 Peter 1 and specifically used the theme verses that I had engraved on my heart this year.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these, he has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires”- 2 Peter 1:3-4. Gosh I love those verses so much! What a great reminder that God has equipped us with everything we need for life and being able to follow him; EVERYTHING! Wow

               

Chapel was awesome because I felt the spirit of God move intensely throughout the room. I sat there worshipping with tears rolling down my face triggered by a deep sense of gratitude I felt as the joy of the Lord took over. Even though I was crying, they were tears of joy. I was celebrating the freedom that I’m now encountering everyday as my heart and mind continue to be enlightened by the magnitude of the cross; the freedom that awaits every believer who believes in faith the reality of who their creator is. The God of the universe not only wants to know me and speak to me, but his power-the same power that rose people from the dead- lives inside of me! HOLY COW! How is there any room for fear or insecurity once your heart truly grasps this?

            

The people at Hillsong “are my kind of people” (Mrs. Banas). Hearing them go over the fabric of “who they are” pumped me up like crazy. These people are passionate about Jesus, and are passionate about empowering and rising up the next generation of leaders. Discipleship and leadership are two passions of mine, which means this year is about to rock my world because not only are those two areas going to be refined in my own life, but I’m also going to be equipped and trained on how to do these things better.

          

 My roommates are awesome. One of them is 19 and is from California. She is super sweet and outgoing and has a passion for life. God has blessed her and her family and I’m excited about continuing to get to know her better. My actual roommate is 26 and is from Finland. She’s super sweet and quiet and I’m pumped about the wisdom that I’m going to learn from her. My other roommate is from Canada and I haven’t had the chance to meet her yet but I hear she’s awesome! Going in to Hillsong, my biggest fear/stress was my living situation and the roommates I was going to have. I spent countless times praying diligently for God’s sovereignty in placing me with my roommates so I’m confident that good lessons are going to come from this situation.

Class begins Monday, and I’m sure life is about to get really hectic. I want to continue to maintain a strong focus for where my strength and energy lie.

1.       My confidence doesn’t come from myself but the Father, who works for the good of those who love him

2.       God is my justifier and I don’t need to look for approval from anyone else other than him

3.       I serve a God who has set me free from slavery, there’s no need to be burdened again by past scars and wounds

4.       There is no good in me, none at all. Everything good in me is from the Lord and I need to be continually reminded of that so I can repent from my self-righteousness and pride and walk humbly with the Lord

5.       Grace: I swim in grace