Security

 In the 24 years of my existence, I can count on one hand the number of times I have been homesick; and of those times, most of them, if not all of them, have occurred under the age of 11. With that said, if someone had told me that I was going to be homesick while in Australia I would have laughed. Preposterous! I am someone who lives very much in the moment and have been blessed to find friends wherever I go. And yet, in the 4 ½ weeks that I have been here, I have had two “freak out moments.” I call them “freak out moments” because that’s exactly what they are; my body literally freaks out. Out of nowhere, the realization that no one here knows me comes and hits me in the face like a ton of bricks. It truly is the weirdest sensation! Everything is foreign, there is no familiarity anywhere. Not only am I alienated from those who love me but I don’t even have access to them! I can’t just pick up a phone or go for a visit; I am literally thousands of miles and thousands of dollars away! Agh!

 It’s a scary realization to know that no one here knows my heart; that no one here has any obligation to be my friend.  If I were to offend someone, they have no reason to love me because that foundation of unconditional love (where someone chooses to love you even through your failures and character flaws) hasn’t been established yet. This is scary! You don’t realize where your emotional security lies until it is taken away from you. All of the places that I used to find security in are now gone. I’ve been stripped of all that is familiar.

It was during one of these “freak out moments” where I was crying in the bathroom (because I didn’t know who I could trust) that the Lord spoke tenderly to me. He gently reminded me that even though I can’t find security or trust in people right now, I can find security in Him. He is my refuge. He is my safe place. My downcast soul then rejoiced by my circumstances. How lucky am I to be in a position where everything that I find identity and security in, has been stripped; that I am in a place where I am being forced to depend on the Lord! (Otherwise I can’t survive!)Back at home it’s easy for me to desire these things, to want to be dependent on God and to trust him. But when I’m surrounded by things that define me, it’s hard to find security only in God, because I can easily create security for myself in other things.  

Finding security in the Lord and not in people is a quite a process; it’s not about who’s around you or what THEY say or think, but it’s about being identified by His presence and what He says about you. My motivations for my actions are not for myself or for others, but for the Lord. I am for HIS pleasure, HIS will alone. He is my sustainer. He brings me life. I am full in His presence and His presence alone. Hillsong College is special because it brings you to a place of servant-hood; the only reason you have to MOVE (not serve, teach, or sing but move!) the only reason you have to breathe is for His pleasure. Only in His presence can I find emotional security.

I’m also learning to live outside of my ability. Right now I can’t pursue kids (I don’t have a car), I can’t get a job, I can’t create intimacy within my relationships; I HAVE to depend on the Lord. To survive I need His strength; my own efforts will fail me. I’m learning how to trust God beyond my own thinking and allowing Him to make His grace abound in me. In a world where we are trained to be skeptical of absolute truths, God alone proves that He is trustworthy. He is TRUSTWORTHY! He is consistent. He is our refuge. He is our protector and source of direction………Do you trust him?